Ocean

2007-10-25T17:22:00.001+08:00

What am I.

2007-10-22T00:20:00.001+08:00

A painted smile.

2007-10-21T22:41:00.001+08:00

Am I destined for loneliness?

Day 388

2007-10-16T20:01:00.000+08:00

Be strong my dear. I'll always be here for you, to catch you whenever you fall, to hold you whenever you are feeling down.

I'll take away all your troubles. I will.

Day 382

2007-10-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

Do you have faith in us my dear?

终于做了这个决定
别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定
我愿意天涯海角都随你去
我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己
最怕你忽然说要放弃

爱真的需要勇气
来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定
我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气
去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里你的真心

如果我的坚强任性
会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒
我虽然心太急更害怕错过你

Day 381

2007-10-09T21:42:00.000+08:00

I've spent 22 years of my life without you. I don't know how many more 22 years I will have. Sorry if I'm depressed recently. But I just don't want to spend another waking moment not being with you because we can't tell what life has in store for us tomorrow.

But I'll wait for you, however long it might take, however painful it might be. As long as you are happy, I'll be happy. :)

Day 374

2007-10-02T20:23:00.000+08:00

I'll be praying for you to be happy always. I wish I had to power to drive away all your troubles. But I don't. So the only thing I can do is to be by your side, and walk with you till the end. It does not matter if you will be holding my hands by the time you are ready, I just want you to be the happiest girl. :)

I pray to you, gods, to drive her troubles away and make her happy. I'm willing to do anything and give everything for my prayers to be answered. Please shine some light of love onto her face so she would always be blessed. I pray with all my soul.

Day 372

2007-09-30T17:03:00.000+08:00

I'll be praying. Though I don't know what to be praying for. Your happiness? My happiness? Or our happiness? :( Maybe I'll know in a few hours time.

Day 371

2007-09-29T21:13:00.000+08:00

Happy day today:) I would sing for you for the rest of my life. Glad that I was able to make you happy. Hope I can do it everyday and bring only smile to your face. :) But why is it so hard for you to answer my question? :( I shouldn't push you too hard, but it's really burning inside me. Is it bad news? :( Sorry, cant help being pessimistic. :(

Perhaps like the song goes, Love needs courage, to believe in us.

I need faith. Would you hold my hand and never let go?

Day 368

2007-09-26T11:19:00.000+08:00

My dear, what exactly is going on between us right now? I'm lost. Reach out your hand and hold me tight.

Day 367

2007-09-25T00:48:00.000+08:00

Life is short. I don't know what life has in store for me tomorrow.

If I had 5 lives, I could live in 5 different cities, experience 5 different lifetimes, have 5 different names. And fall in love with the same person 5 times, you.

But I don't have 5 lives. So if i die tomorrow my dear, it's farewell my love. But you wouldn't see my smile from the heavens, for I'll stay by your side and be your eternal guardian angel.

So my dear, if I'm not here in the future, remember me, remember us, you are the one for me.

Day 365

2007-09-23T15:40:00.000+08:00

1 year since. All I want to say to you is,

I love you.

I'll be brave to tell you face to face, I'll be brave.

Day 364

2007-09-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

I will always be by your side. You will never be alone when you need a shoulder to lie on. This world may be cold and heartless, but I promise, my arms will be your safe harbor, shielding you from all the troubles. I'll be your home.

Day 362

2007-09-20T13:29:00.000+08:00

I know I might not be the one in the end.
But at least I know, I've done everything I could to seize the day everyday to be with you.
So if I were to die tomorrow, I know, I've spent the rest of my life with you.

Day 359

2007-09-17T20:59:00.000+08:00

The song I want to sing to you.

If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself lost and all alone, get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.

If the bright light blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your trouble break your strides, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself lost and all alone, get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.

If you ever feel ashame, my love will get you home.
If there's only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself lost and all alone, get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.

Day 358

2007-09-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

Sadness. The rest of it, only blank.

Day 357

2007-09-15T14:54:00.000+08:00

You are my happily ever after, am I your' s too?

Day 356

2007-09-14T22:07:00.000+08:00

Hmmm. What to make of today? I really have no idea. It started off as a happy day, and moved on to a depressing day. :( Why am I feeling depressed for the whole of this week? I really don't understand.

Nothing seems to have changed. Everything is still the way they are. But why am I sinking into depression? I tried to sort out my thoughts but I really cant seem to think of any reason. :( sigh. It now seems really like a disease, the depression thing. Should I go seek help? Sigh.

Today is Friday. Yet I'm not feeling any happiness. :( Its the start of the weekend. I think I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms, of not seeing her for the next 2 days. Haha. I'm going mad I guess.

My graceful dance comes not from the gaze of the angels, but through the smile of your beautiful eyes. Behind the graceful dance, lies tears of sorrow hidden by the steps from my burning heart.

Day 355

2007-09-13T20:07:00.000+08:00

Today was exactly the same as yesterday, I woke up with a heavy heart, feeling very depressed. :( How can I stop this? Perhaps she is the only antidote to my depression. Which I think it is really true.

My day became wonderful when I saw her this morning. For the 5 secs when I was passing her coffee, it was the most wonderful part of my entire day. Sadly it was only for 5 secs. :( My heart fell a little sad as I see her walking down the stairs to class. But then again, the 5 secs really made me a happier person for the rest of the day. :)

Felt a little down as the day drags on and she wants to go home to rest after school. Which means I cant go out with her at all for the whole week. But at least her sms were keeping my mood up. :) But she is still facebooking at night and not going to sleep! Haha. Sometimes she is just so endearing to me. :)

On the downside, she started talking a little about her ex. Whatever happiness I felt for the day went away. :( Sigh. I really don't know what to do. :( One of the Brainfall test she sent me was really right, I don't know what to do when it comes to dating. :( Oh well, I promise myself to be there by her side always and to keep her happy. I must cheer up. :)

I am still praying.

Day 354

2007-09-12T15:03:00.000+08:00

Today I woke up feeling depressed. It's going to be a long day ahead. :( Why am I feeling this way? I have no idea. But i suspect it's because I don't think I will be able to see her today. :( Oh well, as long as she is happy. :)

Classes today were a drag, I cant concentrate at all without thinking about her. I tried to put her out of my mind and focus, but it is always easier said than done. :( Does praying really helps? Somehow I really doubt so, but that's all I can do right now, pray.

I hate it when things are not within my control. I feel so helpless with things that may not even be achievable even if i were to work hard. I guess its just me. Sometimes I wonder why do I have to fall for someone. Can I just take out my heart and throw it away?

I once read that naturally, for every 100 girls there will be 106 guys. Am I one of the 6 guys? I certainly hope not, but it just seems that way now. :(

I think she is still feeling sad over the last relationship. How I wish could have the power to just take it out of her heart. But I don't. :( So I guess the only thing I can do now is just to be there for her. But my heart hurts. :( Oh well, whatever it takes to make her happy. :)

Hope she finishes her internal case project early today and get some rest at home after the long night yesterday. Wish tomorrow will be a better day too, though I seriously doubt so again.

Day 353

2007-09-11T18:49:00.000+08:00

It has been 353 days, and I'm still as madly in love with you as ever. Recently, days have been tough to get by. Knowing how deeply I've fell into the this endless dream hurts a lot. What I can do now is only to hope and pray. But whenever I see you smile, I know I can face the world again. I only wish that I can make you smile always. I hope you will finish your cap land soon and get home early tonight. :)

You.

2007-09-08T21:29:00.000+08:00

Everyday when I wake up in the morning, I have only one wish, to be able to see you.
And the most wonderful part of my day, is when my wish come true.

Everything

2007-08-31T23:11:00.001+08:00

The madness dances on, through the rhapsody of endless sadness.

Along the crowds of disapproving stares, I danced.
Elegance in steps, grace in spirits.
For my song was not for the crowds of empty eyes,
but for the hope of your beautiful gaze, even only for a moment in time.

The madness dances on, through the quiet sob of my longing heart.

I longed and I wished.
I prayed and I hoped.
For the most wonderful part of my day,
is to be dawned by the sunshine of your carefree smile.

The madness dances on, through the lonely shadow under the full moon's shone.

The devils snarled, and the angels smiled.
The heavens cried and the shattered nights.
For my heart speaks of never dying love,
I just want to be by your side.

The madness dances on, through the melody of my breaking heart

Ti amo.

If only you would understand.

2007-06-25T02:10:00.000+08:00

Did you see the loving light shinning from above?
On the swirling clouds with violet haze.
Neither a single ray separating from you,
Nor a drop of tears that wasn't meant for you.
And so you know,
I'll be there for you,
Long after the midnight moon has gone up.
On the summer's midnight moon,
Vaguely your image rose upon the color changing hue,
Ever and ever bringing solace to my aching heart.
You rest lightly on the hills,
On morning fields of loving light and aching dew of morning tears,
Unto my arms of never changing love for you.

对不起，我爱你

2007-06-18T15:06:00.000+08:00

我以为我早已把你给忘记了，其实只是很不小心地把你藏了起来。

昨天看见了你的相片，才发现心理一直埋着一个秘密，

就是你。

记得从前你问过我为什么喜欢你，现在终于明白了。

喜欢你，不是因为你的美貌，

也不是因为你的个性，是因为一种感觉。

以前不知道这是什么感觉，而不能告诉你，

现在只想让你知道，这感觉是，

You complete me.

我知道这么做很突然，但只想对你说，

对不起，我依然爱你。

To: Ms.dsw

2007-06-18T02:28:00.000+08:00

我怕来不及我要抱着你
直到感觉你的皱纹有了岁月的痕迹
直到肯定你是真的直到不能呼吸(直到失去力气)
为了你我愿意
动也不能动也要看着你
直到感觉你的发线有了白雪的痕迹
直到视线变得模糊直到失去力气(直到不能呼吸)
让我们形影不离
如果全世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你值得我去珍惜
而你在这里就是生命的奇迹
也许全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意失去你的消息
你掌心的痣我总记得在那里

我怕来不及我要抱着你
直到感觉你的发线有了白雪的痕迹
直到视线变得模糊直到不能呼吸
让我们形影不离
如果全世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你值得我去珍惜
而你在这里就是生命的奇迹
也许全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意失去你的消息
你掌心的痣我总记得在那里
我们好不容易我们身不由已
我怕时间太快不够将你看仔细
我怕时间太慢日夜担心失去你
恨不得一夜之间白头永不分离
如果全世界我也可以放弃
至少还有你值得我去珍惜
而你在这里就是生命的奇迹
也许全世界我也可以忘记
就是不愿意失去你的消息
你掌心的痣我总记得在那里
在那里

Buona notte il mio amore

2007-06-16T01:52:00.000+08:00

It's a simple word. Love. And it broke my heart. I fell in love with someone I shouldn't have. It's as simple as that is. In fact nothing around me is too complicated. A simple guy, leading a simple life, holding on to a simple dream.

It all came about that one night. The air was hot and humid, and the streets were bustling with people. Yet the world through my eyes saw a much simpler picture. Only you. Nothing else mattered. Your laughter, your gaze, your every move represented a heart stopping moment for me. We had fun walking through the crowded streets. Or rather you had fun, while I felt only about you. It was the first time we went out together, and how interesting it was, that it happened in a foreign land. The night grew on, and so did the feeling inside me, and I knew, I had fallen for you.

Heartache consumed me then after, after that night. Falling in love with someone I shouldn't have. That night didn't make me fall for you, rather it made me fell for you again.

The first time I saw you, you caught my eyes. It was in a seminar room. The moment you walked in was like flashes in my head. Everything was a blur, everything was oblivious but only you. That day onwards, we became friends, but you became more than a friend in my heart, you became my princess. But I was not your prince charming. Your heart has only room for 1, and it was already occupied. So my heart was kept to myself.

The day I knew your heart was vacant, I had a tussle between my morality and heart. Should I be feeling happy? I hate to see you sad, but I hated also that someone else was seeing you. So I ended up pretending not to feel anything and said nothing.

You are a princess in my heart, and you are also a princess in reality. Pretty, sweet, smart, caring, lovely just about sums you up. Together with a loving family, you are a princess in everyone's eyes. You are the perfect one. I am the defect one. I have nothing and I am nothing. Heaven and earth so aptly describes us. Far apart and never together.

Sometime back I was asking my good friend about this question, what do girls look for in a guy. And I was told that girls look for guys to be either smart, good looking, rich, caring, built and tall. Guys should have at least one of these attributes if not combination of a few of them. I'm not smart, not good looking, not rich, not caring, not built and not tall. That pretty much sums me up. I am just not good enough. Not good enough for anyone, much less to say, good enough for you.

Being the princess, perfect girl, you have no lack of suitors. From rich guys to tall guys to smart guys to good looking guys. You have no lack of choices. I doubt I can even make the cut to be on the list of your choices. Every waking moment is a heartache, every sweet dream is about you. Like the name suggests, it all belongs in the dreams. In the real world, only heartache.

I tried to forget about you. I only wish it was that simple. I tried and I failed. I'm in love with a dream that wont come true. Now only the sad melody awaits me. I must rest now my dear. Back to where I belong. Buona notte il mio amore.

约定

2006-04-17T19:55:00.000+08:00

清晨十点半的天空。夜里十点半的星空。梦里十点半的泪空。都是心里挥洒不去的空洞。

清晨十点半，那天的阳光很美。第一天到学校的心情也随着清晰的空气而变得透明。那一天很美，天空很美，学校很美，心情也很美。我带着这心情走进了学校，人也显得很美。但是你却捉住了我的
目光。心里说不出的感受，既是惊叹，也是融化。心如雪，被你那眼神所融化。看着你在人群中飘舞着的脚步，心竟也随着而跳动。静止的呼吸，也慢慢地被想起。我想认识你。

原来要认识一个人，已被缘分所安排。我和你同班。感谢上天。我和你就像是蜡烛和火。我是蜡烛而你是火。没有了火的蜡烛只是角落边的一个装饰。有了你，我便能带来光芒，照亮了我们的生命。前面的路因为这光而不再黑暗了。因为看得到了，而不再感到迷惘。幸福。我们紧握着手，任凭外面的风再大，雨再冷，心里却是温温的。

有了火的蜡烛虽然有了光芒，但生命却是在慢慢的烧尽。没有了蜡烛的火，却还是能在其他的地方照亮前方的黑暗。没有了火，我失去了勇气。没有勇气去爱。蜡烛终于烧尽了。没有了光芒，我也不能再只是角落边的一个装饰。我只是成为了一种累赘，须要消失在你的生命。我崩溃了。清晨十点半的天空，我不再看得到了。

夜里十点半，星星很美。也是我生命中唯一的美。没有了光，我看不见白天，也看不见黑夜。只有星星很美，因为我只看得到它们。太阳借了点光给我。我失落了。不是因为看不到，而是因为看到的不是你。

你依然在人群中飘舞着。但是我的心却不能再跳动。静止的呼吸，也慢慢地被遗忘。但是我却不能把自己给遗忘。燃烧未遂的温余，使得我还清醒着。我不想，但也不能改变。你的生命充满了光芒，因为你是火。世界因为有你而美。夜里十点半的星空，我看到的只是一片一片的回忆。

梦里十点半，下雨了。还是是泪。我很冷。因为我一个人。下着雨，看不见星星，也看不见天空。看到的只是黑暗。光，已经离我越来越远了。火，或许在谋一个地方，谋一个天空，带着光芒，带着温柔。我们的约定，你还记得吗？梦里十点半的泪空，我哭了。

Happy Birthday

2005-08-07T23:59:00.000+08:00

越过那条长街再转弯那是以前我常来的地方
虽换窗帘和干净的床你一直希望对面是一片海洋

后来听说你一直想搬太多寂寞在屋里一直烧不完
在别人面前我们总显得的大方说还是朋友或许只是一个假象
后来的我们一直都遇不上仿佛都在避开某一些地方
在人群中都走的特别匆忙怕一不小心就认出对方
后来的我们又被谁而遇上忍痛许久的伤终于能原谅
才明白眼泪只是一种行囊而我们都是彼此幸福的转站

或许在某一天某个街上无意中擦肩感觉出对方
我们只需自然不会有人看穿后来的我们一直都遇不上
仿佛都在避开某一些地方在人群中都走的特别匆忙
怕一不小心就会认出对方后来的我们又被谁而遇上
忍痛许久的伤终于能原谅才明白眼泪只是一种行囊
而我们都是彼此幸福的转站

Beacon Light

2005-07-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

I've lost something. Myself?
This is senseless, brainless and all together, pointless. As i watches the world around me flow by, i cant help but think what is the point of me being alive. Am i the procrastinator or the creator? Am i being born unto this world so that i could fall in love with you and then die of heartbreak or am i being born for the purpose of living on miserably with a broken heart? No doubt that i'm teetering along the borders of sane and sanibility.

I've lost myself. I'm lost.
What is in for me after you are gone? I have no idea. 2 years down the road, i have yet to figure it out. All my sanity would tell me was that 2 years seemed like only yesterday. All this time i was living in a state of incontinuity. Would heaven give me back all these years in which nothing seems to have change? Not you, not your heart, not the way i feel about you.

I'm lost. And i know you wouldnt come looking for me.
I've always wondered, all this time, have i appeared in your mind? Even for the smallest of split seconds. Have i ever crossed your heart? I never did try to find out. I didnt, more likely, i didnt dare to. Whatever without a definitive answer always allowed room for some imagination, or should i say some self consolation? Self delusion? Everynight in bed, i would be thinking that right now, right at that moment, you are lying in your bed, thinking of me as well. I have never got around to find out. I didnt have to.

You didnt look for me. And all i wanted to ask was a simple 'how are you?'
2 Years since i last saw you. How have you been? Is everything alright? Without me by your side looking out for you, is anyone bullying you? Or you already have a new someone to be there for you, someone whom i never managed to be. Hows study? Are you able to cope? Or are you still that blur girl just tottering along with everyone else? Is that laughter of yours still contagious? Does that smile of yours still melts my heart? Yes.

I didnt got around to ask the simple'how are you?'. Do you still remember me?
I had a talk with my shadow. He laughed at me for being so silly. He told me that there isnt any point of trying to relight a flame in a thunderstorm. He said i should be giving you up and start looking for a safer heaven. I wonder if he's correct. All this time i've been lying to myself. Hoping in vain that somewhere out there you are trying to do the same, relighting the flame. How long more can i go on pretending that you are still there, or did i pretended that you never existed. I dont know. I'm confused. Or perhaps i just dont have what it takes to find out the truth. I'm not strong enough.

You didnt miss me. I'm still searching for your beacon light.
I guess i must have been a homing bird in my previous life, and you are my home. In this darkness that surrounds me, i thought i saw a flicker of light shinning in your direction. A lighthouse. A beacon light, guilding me towards something. They say heaven opens it's door with a brilliant bright light, but hell shines in the night through the burning flames as well. Would you still light up that torch for me?

Sane and Insanity.
Revulsion and Fidelity.
Hatred and Love.
You and Me.

Love Tips - #02

2005-06-15T23:11:00.000+08:00

Human: Doctor, how do i know who is the one i love?
Dr Love: Hmmm. There are several methods of knowing so. Firstly, the most efficient and widely acknowledged and regconzied method. Close your eyes. Then you start to think, imagine. Your job now is to recreate the face of the person you think you are in love with, inside your head. (Dont peeK!) Can you see her/him? Here comes the important part. Dont pretend or think that you can see their face. You must really be able to picture the image. See her/him appearing inside your head, right before you. Did you smile? If you did, then the person your saw with your inner sight is the person you love.
Now, there are several other unorthodox methods on the market which are not yet approved by the HSA. When you see someone, the testosterone level experiences an immediate escalation in production, then perhaps that someone is the one you love. (Side note: Love to fark)
If the someone you saw results in an biological reation in your mood, then perhaps the person is the one you love. (SN: Love to be with, note. Loneliness to companionship kind of be with. not romantically.)
Though there are more than 1 method, i would strongly suggest using of the first option. If that fails, one can go on to use the third method, to see if it would compliment method no. 1. However, beware of the attractions of the dark side such as it would become a contributing factor to method no. 2.
To start of with method no.2 is highly unadvisable due to the fact that there is still no known cure/vaccines for HIV.

Love Tips - #01

2005-06-15T22:53:00.000+08:00

human: Doctor, how do i know when i am ready for a new relationship?
Dr love: hmmm. You are ready for a new relationship when you
- dont feel a tinge of guilt when you are out with someone new.
- lost your memory for good. (permanent amnesia)
- have a heart transplant, figuratively speaking that is.
- are reincarnated (though this has never been clinically proven to be true.)
- are out to cast the spell 'jealousy' on someone you love. (be warnED! This has serious unforseen consequences. Since it's unforseen, there is no way of a pre-emptive protection. Listed are serveral reported third-party effects of the spell: madness, tears, and even broken-hearts.)

Cant give it up.

2005-06-06T00:09:00.000+08:00

How long does it takes for someone to erase the existence of a person from memory?
Is merely not thinking of her as good as forgetting heR?
What then, should i do to get her out of my heaD?
Or should the question be, must i forget about her?
Is it a question of neccessity or stupidity?
It is crucial to forget her to get on with my life, or am i not being true to my heart?
Did i betray my heart by trying to forgetting her?
Or rather, did i betray her by trying to fill the gap left behind?
Am i stupid or am i just navie for believing?

I guess i am just lost. Will you take my hands and never let go?

Heartless-ness

2005-06-05T01:05:00.000+08:00

Clown: Am i a heartless person?
Man: No! You bring laughter to the world!
Clown: Hmmm. Am i not considered part of the world?
Man: I dont get you.
Clown: Perhaps to put on a mask means i am setting myself out of this world.
Man: Are you? Why did you put on a mask? Didnt you seek to bring joy and laughter to this cold world that you became a clown? Wasnt it that you wanted to soften this cold hard world that you put on a smile wherever you go?
Clown: No. I painted a smile on my face because the world is a cold and hard place.
Man: I dont get you.
Clown: This world lacks a little love. There isnt enough of it to be passed around.
Man: uh-huh
Clown: The smile i painted on, isnt to bring love around. Its to protect myself. Protect myself from being hurt.
Man: How so?
Clown: So that people cant see right through me. They wouldnt know what i am thinking on the inside. All they would see is a happy face. And think that's a happy man.
Man: How will that equates to them cant hurting you? Isnt it better to share your sorrows with your close friends to lighten the burden? Your world is too heavy to be carried on your shoulders alone.
Clown: Share? And then what? All that would do is to shift some of the burden onto other people. The burden is still there. It isnt removed at all. I would still feel the pain, the tears the heartache.
Man: Yes. I'm not saying the pain would be taken away. But at least you now have someone to share it with you. Someone who understands your thoughts, your emotions. You will no longer feel lonely.
Clown: Tell me. Can you gurrantee that your friends who carries the burden with you will always be there? Certainty is no longer alive in this world. What if your friend decided someday that he no longer wants to carry your burden with you? They will let go, and the weight would come crushing down. I just want to protect myself. I have to. I need to.
Man: How can you live in this world without trust?
Clown: Trust? How much is trust worth? I bet you trust yourself more than your friends. Then why let them share something that is so dear to you? Itz like aiming a knife into your heart the moment you open it to someone. When they leave, the knife will be plunged in. You die.
Man: You really think so? Then why fall in love? In love, you are not only opening your heart to someone. You are literally giving it to her.
Clown: I.... Its different. Friends....lover.
Man: Why is it different? Lover hurts your more than friends.
Clown: Yar. But....
Man: The truth is, we all desire that someone to take in our hearts. Our heart is like a ship without sails, looking for that one safe harbour to dock. But in the mean time, friends are like refilling ships, keeping you afloat while you search for that safe heaven.
Clown: Hmmm. True... But what about lovers? What if they hurt me too? What if the safe heaven would one day disappear.
Man: Would you rather love and be hurt or never to love at all?
Clown: Which is the lesser evil of the two?
Man: Love and be hurt.
Clown: Why?
Man: Never to love at all means one would be keeping their heart to themselves for all their life. Our heart is a funny organ. Although it grows inside of us. But they yearn to be outside of our soul. They want to be given away. Given to someone who our heart would cherish, care and love. And reciprocated. True, hearts get broken in relationships. But the joy of love outweighs the sorrows of a broken heart. Didnt you realize the sun always shine after a thunderstorm? That rainbows appear only after the rain? If one were to reject love in fear of breaking it, then in all their life, their only happiness would stem from the smile they painted onto their face. Love your friends and your heart. In your heart, your mind and your soul, keep love alive and you will be blessed. Put faith, and let love be the guardian angel of your heart.

Love and be loved, once again. Believe.

Beat

2005-05-25T23:19:00.000+08:00

As nightness creep into my room, i got up slowly, onto my feet. Blood trickled down my calf. I cant seems to feel it. Both the pain and the blood. i stumbled forward, dragging my feet across the bloodied floor, or was i dragging the bloodied floor across my feet. I couldnt have known.
Step by step i moved across the room. Beat by beat my heart grew fainter. I stopped, unfortunately my heart didnt. With my outstretched hands, i drew out the knife from the rack. A 3 feet long cleaver. Moonlight cast a horrifying shadow of the cleaver on the wall. I was the perturbed half. There was a eerie glow on the cleaver. Perhaps a result from the moonlight, or perhaps a luminescence from the scythe of grim. Heaven knows. The silence shot through my ear drums. I was deafened by the silent killer. The moment was fast approaching.
It rained.
The rain had came for me. Presumably to cleanse a sinner, perhaps to cleanse all sinners.
I was now standing infront of the mirror, cleaver level with my chest. Without a second thought, i plunged the cleaver into my chest. Blood flowed freely, as was my life. Pain? I was long immuned to it. Tears? Only blood escaped my eyes. I continue carving away. I didnt have any strength left, but something, someone, just kept me going.
I dropped the cleaver, not cause i was scared, but because the job was done. With my bare hands, i dug out my heart.
It wasnt beating. It was still, with me holding it in my hand, as i stood before the mirror. My life was slipping away, as was my consciousnes. I smiled.
Remember this moment. It marks my one true belief in life.
My heart beats for you. The day you left, my heart died. I took my heart out just to show you.
You, then i thought of you. Every little thing about you. you...
da dum...da dum...da dum...

Today doesnt really know.

2005-05-21T23:07:00.000+08:00

Gone.

The day I died.

2005-03-23T15:14:00.000+08:00

I look at the lights go out. Sensing a dep sadness resonating from the bottom of my heart, i shut my eyes. It didnt help, tears still trickled down. I left the room quietly, not wanting to make my presence felt.
I sat down on the cushion, allow a moment for the pain to settle in. It stabbed at my heart, for the upteem time. I once thought that i would grow accustomized to this pain. How stupid of me. Just like i thought time would wash away all the memories. I've got to stop believing those age old sayings. Faith have left me, so have my heart. What i was left with was a memory, which heaven know i did not asked for.
How long has it been? Frankly speaking, it doesnt matter to me anymore. What i am afraid of, is how long will it still going to be. History has foresaken me, and now the future is planning for it too. I like a man stranded all alone on a island. With no shelter to retreat to, and no newlands to trottle unto.
Perhaps i've brought on all of this upon myself. If only i didnt have any faith right out from the start, if only i didnt believe that love existed in the world. I would be a much happier man, at least happy on the outside, however rotten my soul would be. Right now, i'm a fallen man, even my purest soul, my purest love, have left me. Left me to fend off this evil lord on my own. I feel weak, or rather, i'm weak. I no longer have my soul as my shield, my love as my spear. Evil roam through my weakened mind now. I no longer exist as oneself on this world anymore. I just another corpse, with sadness running as my blood, tears falling as my water, and sorrow as my life long companion.
The day you left me, was the day i died.

'Love is all but a spirit bestowed upon each and everyone of us, which act as a beacon light, to guild us through the deepest of abyss.'

Mind lost, seek the scrolls and one shall be enlighten.
Heart lost, smile and bless and one shall be reborne.
Soul lost, pray and repent and one shall be forgiven.
Love lost, never to be found. '

Life is so fragile

2005-03-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

Life is so fragile, and love, is what that bounds it tightly, around the heart we pray sincerely with.

Ever asked yourself, why is there love in the world? Or rather, do we need love? Many people out there have sure been hurt by love, perhaps even more than once. Sure, there are lots of success stories out there, but there are even more times when cupid's arrow shot right through the heart. Just think about this, how many times did you fall in love and getting hurt in the end, compared to finding the one love and happily ever after? 10 to 1. So you see, love actually brings about more heartaches than it does with ectasy.
Let me propose a better scenario then, a world without heartache, without all the anxiety, all the sleepless nights, all the tears, all the illogical behaviour, all the meaningless waiting, and most importantly, without love.
Just be like the ancient chinese and let your parents decide your fate for you. Or if you wanna blindlessly and naively believe in fate, throw a ball down orchard road. The first opposite sex you hit is the person you are going to marry. Sounds attractive? No? For a moment, i thought it sure did resonate quite well down my stomach and straight towards the exit.
Ok. So we do need love. Why? Beats me. I am still searching. Many people spent their whole life time searching for it, only to find it when they are grey and old. Others have it shoved right into their face, but just could'nt see it. Coming to realize only when they are grey and old. Which do you prefer? Sit down and spend a moment with me. I'll hold your hands and lead you through the abyss.
Do you think spending a lifetime waiting for fate to bestow her charms on you is stupid? Do you think it is stupid and worth waiting for? Perhaps you should be more vivacious and go in search of her. People use to say what is meant to be, will be. I do believe every single word of that, but not without a fight. Coz I'm a believer. I chose to believe that even the gods can be touched by one's heart. Although it's only a one way traffic for cupid to find you, I've always believe that one can at least make him notice you. If you would just believe. Believe that the person deep down inside your heart is truely the one. Believe that you will bring him/her happiness with every single breath you take. Believe that you will keep them safe from even immortal harm down right to the last breath you draw. Believe in yourself. Cupid will know. He will see you.
If you do believe, dont hold back. Dont wait til you are grey and old before coming to realize that you've let cupid down. He's waiting for you to show him that you are worthy of love and being loved.
Life is of cause fragile, that is becoz most of the time, we do not treasure what we have. Dont despair, the end is not near yet. Hope lives with every single breath that you breathe. Take a moment and sit down with me. I promise that I will hold your hands and lead you through the sheol, right til the crossroad. From then on, you are on your own.
Spread your wings and believe. l'amour n'a aucune frontiere.

Didnt know i was just naive

2004-12-26T02:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i just want to give up,
Sometimes i just want to give in,
but i juz didnt know quite how.

Dancing in the dark, middle of the night.
Emotional touch, running through the rain.
Cept i was the only one prancing around.

Heaven, heaven know heaven can you help me.
Reason, reason know reason can you save me.
Cracking up my head, thinking of new excuses for not forgetting.

Waiting for a miracle.
Waiting for a season.
Supplicating for you would come back, someday, somehow.

All that was left.
Just a broken piece of heart, mine.
Bleeding til the day you put it back.

Didnt know i was naive.
Only thought of the tender passion hidden in between the tears.
I for you.

Laramie.

Perhaps just a little....

2004-12-14T01:54:00.000+08:00

Dear love,
Perhaps, i'm pushing you too hard.
Perhaps, i'm still living in my memory.
Perhaps, i made it up myself.
Perhaps, you were just...making it all up yourself.

You once told me that perhaps i am too important to you. To the extend that you wouldnt risk loving me. Because you were afraid to lose me. Love don't last in your opinion. Friendship lasts longer. Perhaps it was because of your previous bad experiences, that you lost faith in love, in me.

You left me speechless with that. Really. Not because i am so important to you. But because i dont see the difference between losing me and as it is now. It's all my fault. I'm sorry. But i can no longer just be by your side and not being with you. I cant do it. Sorry. I cant stand the thought of guys who are 'less important' than me filling up your heart. I cant do it for another 8 years. Sorry, but if there's no place for me in you, i have to leave. Before the sky, turns dark.

Thinking back all the memories i had with you for the past 5 years, all i could muster is a gentle smile. Tears ran out long ago, and so was my heart. Perhaps it's just down to my plain stupidity that i couldnt get out fast enough. The only regret i have, is perhaps i didnt do enough. I'm sorry for all the rainy days, and thank you for all the sunshine you brought me. You know i once thought i will be your knight in shinning armour, coming for you on a white gallant unicorn. In the end, i realized that i was just the beggar, begging for your love.

Look how life have made a joke out of me. Perhaps in your eyes, i am just a jester filling up the space, bringing laughter into you. Perhaps, thats how important i am to you. I brighten up your life with the sunshine i bring, and the laughter i make. I hope it's not this way. I prayed with my heart that this isnt true. I dont know. You never said anything.

Smile, that is all that i can offer now. I'll be gone, soon. Slowly fading and fading away, from your life. You can stop it, all you have to do is love. But i dont suppose so, looking at how things are now. So i guess it's a goodbye, my love.

Smile, and the world will smile with you. I will. Even from the shadows where love has lost it's purpose.

Coup de Foudre.

Smile, and the world would be a happier place, without you that is.

2004-09-10T01:50:00.000+08:00

I stared hard. Trying to figure out whats that thick block of mess that stood before me. I saw tears, i saw love, but most of all, i saw a broken heart. 4 swords stuck out from the heart, like 4 gaint candles on a cake. Curiously, there was no blood, just water flowing out from the wounds. Puzzled, i walked over to explore.
The water feels warm to touch as my hand immersed into the pool of it around the heart. Sweet? i tasted it. Behind the sweetness came about a feeling of dejection, darkness. The sweetness was just a potemkin village, a facade. Tears? Tears of love or tears of sadness. Does sadness comes along with love? Or it is merely a byproducted of a fallen bridge? I sat down beside the heart and began thinking. Couples in love shed tears of joy. Singles in love shed tears of hope. Hope? or is it more of dejection and rejection. Praying in vain that the person you love will somehow notice your existence for once. But how many times do they actually care about you? Once? Twice? Never? I'm tired. I fell asleep beside the broken heart. I dreamt.
In my dream, i travelled back in time, 4 years into the past. I was then a 15 year old kid. And i met you on the first day of school. Coup de foudrE? Yes. I am a firm believer in it. Although you already had someone in your heart, i held on, undeterred. Because i have faith. Faith in a one sided love affair? People asked me where does my faith stems from. To tell the truth, i have no idea. Time flies with you by my side. One year, two years, three years, four years, fifth year. I felt happy when i was with you. This is side of me that you saw. A happy guy happy waiting for your love, waiting for a dream to come true. Sad, but no, i wasnt happy most of the time when you werent around. When you were through with your first love, evil as it may seems, i thought that was one of the happiest things that happened in that year.
Happily ever after? Nope. You said you didnt have faith in me. All because of a moments folly, i questioned my heart. Fine, time will prove for me, i thought. After all, i've changed so much for you. What else that i could'nt do. Foolish of me? Perhaps. But nevertheless, i will wait for you.
Two years passed. And you started going out with another guy. Can you imagine the pain i was going through? Harha. Laugh, that is all i could do. But you didnt work out with that guy. And you came back to me, giving me a little more hope along the way. I thought that after 2 heartbreaks, i could finally gain redemption.
Laugh, is again all that i can do, when you say though you have the heart, but didnt have the faith to carry it through. What can i do but to continue to be by your side and wait. Bless my soul. For the pain and love it has to suffer at the same time.
People always said that time changes everything. I cant agree more. Time certainly changes alot of things. Like the guy you're together with. But it was never me. For a third time, i endured through another heartache. Imagine the girl you love has a new flame. And she together with that guy and her best friends called you to meet up with them and then break the news to you. Just think about the tears i've to swallow infront of you and the new guy beside you. What do you expect me to do? I'm just a human. Happy as i may seem, i do still have a heart, no matter how broken it already is. And yet all i did was to smile and walk away, with my eyes and heart burning. I did break down, only it wasnt infront of you. Shattered i was. Backen down i did not.
Within a few weeks, you were through with that guy. And you came telling me that you were forced to accept that guy, and how he wasnt as good as me. I smiled, and took everything in my stride. Finally, some daylight i thought.
I was thinking too much. I always did. You said i was too important to you to risk a relationship as you were uncertain of us being together forever. You didnt want to lose me. 8 years. You said to wait for you for another 8 years if i want, then we'll try it out. But you never did say you would wait for me during the 8 years. Never did mention anything that might sound remotely like you are going to wait for me as well.
When a person feels troubled, they will often spurt out truths from the bottom of their heart. You said you wanted a relationship that's heart wrenching, that touches even the heaven and earth. You wanted to experience it just once. It doesnt matter if the relationship did no last. And the guy wont be me.
Smile, and the world would be a happier place. Smile, and people would love you more. Smile, and bury all the heartache along with it, for no one's going to care, no one's going to feel your broken heart. Smile, and they would think everything's alright and life goes on, for them.

2004-08-30T23:38:00.000+08:00

Love, is all it takes, to break me.

Down the road, you just keep going. You have to...

2004-08-23T12:12:00.000+08:00

Imagine, just imagine. You are walking down the road, down a old, lonely road. The wind's howling by your ears as you plough ahead. It seems just for a second that you are walking through your own head, through all your memories. Memories, something you didnt want to be reminded of. Memories, something you just cant seem to get rid of. You just continue walking. The wind's still blowing, and the trees by the side of the road starts to shiver. Leaves just started to fall. Dried yellow leaves. Raining? You thought to yourself. Nah, it's just the leaves falling like raindrops from the skies. Falling like teardrops from your eyes. You tried to hide, but on this lonely road, theres nowhere to hide. You tried to brush away your tears, but on this lonely day, tears bundled with memories just seems like raindrops from the skies, they wont stop coming.
You stopped moving forward. Through you teared eyes you see the sun setting in the far horizon. How beautiful it seems, and how saddening it felt. Soon darkness will fall. You are stranded in the middle of nowhere. Stranded? Didnt you choose for this to happen? Didnt you prayed that you will be away from everyone, away from everywhere, away from her. You sat down, unable to move forward anymore. What about backwards? Going back. Going back to where you have company, back to your friends, family, life.
Life? 'Do i still have one?' you wondered. Looking back, you see your life filled with voids now. Staring at the darkened spaces in you, in your heart, you began thinking, have i done it wrong?
tbc....